wrestling with ignorance

These past couple days have been a whirlwind of cocktail parties, meet and greets,and panel discussions. Though I'm wound up enough that I haven't been catching too many z's, my body is well-nourished by a steady diet of catered hors d'oeuvres and fine sparkling water, and I am enjoying the company of my fellow scholars immensely. Yesterday I picked up a tux from Men's Wearhouse and today my visa and passport arrived in the mail, completing my check list of last minute priorities. It looks as if I can expect my transition from the States to Oxford to be about as smooth as one could hope for.

My strongest impression so far is how being immersed in the company of so many bright minds, in Washington D.C. during the height of the presidential race, makes me painfully aware of the power of my own biases and preconceptions, as well as the enormous scope of everything I don't know.

This morning we met in the hotel lobby to trek across Dupont Circle to the Aspen Institute, a prestigious think tank that hosts world leaders and insightful thinkers of all backgrounds, as well as functions as a repository of Rhodes scholars. The panel that spoke to us this morning included an insider from the Hillary Clinton campaign who was not only deeply insightful with respect to the inner workings of the Democratic party, but strongly invested in Hillary as a public servant and women's advocate (anonymous due to the off-the-record nature of our conversation). Listening to her speak in a compelling way about sexism in the media and the party, about issues that matter to women beyond "choice," about Obama's failure to unite the party in the wake of the primaries, and about his perceived egocentricity and hostility towards the Clintons I was moved emotionally as my understanding of Obama was deeply challenged. (Since the point of this post isn't to endorse my particular political perspective I'll refrain from going into any detail, though you can certainly email me if you'd like more info about the panel and our conversation afterwards). As I left the air-conditioned halls of the office building and walked into the slightly smoggy, mildly muggy noon D.C. heat my head was buzzing with unformed ideas that struggled to be articulated, yet never moved beyond a vague feeling of unease. Was my response to Hillary influenced by sexism? Is my eagerness to embrace Obama as a black candidate merely a lazy means of assuring myself that I really am a progressive guy "beyond" the issue of race? Just how much of my perception of the candidates and the issues is shaped by media caricatures? What is the role of the media not only in stoking inter-partisan rancor, but in perpetuating class- and gender-based differences between people? Could I really change my mind about my candidate, or am I simply too committed to my own rightness? Perhaps too scared to confront a world of complexity that refuses to conform to my comfortable political and economic narratives...

Somewhere in the middle of all that I hear Tim saying "have you ever had an original idea, kid?" As I sort through the hodgepodge of factors that influence my thinking, my attempt to answer this question honestly becomes more and more revealing. What does it mean to be a truly original thinker, and how do I move myself towards this? I recognize that when you speak with someone they can only ever give you their point of view, which is sure to be contradicted at many points by anothers. The process of bringing together it all together to form a well-grounded view of how the world works is is truly daunting. Right now all the questions and the flurry of new information and experiences has me stumbling through a sort of perpetual haze.

Another lesson from Alaska: "just shut up and listen." Hopefully I'll emerge on the other side of Atlantic sooner or later as a somewhat wiser man.

In addition to healthy intellectual growing pain, there are many other things to celebrate about this new time of life. I'm having fun, and am feeling the dawn of a new sense of freedom as I realize that, even more than Stanford, my time at Oxford has the potential to be whatever it is in me to make it. It's gonna be good.

Tomorrow we're heading to the Congressional Breakfast, chatting with Chief Justice Souter, visiting The Mall, attending a reception at the British Embassy, and heading to a play at the Shakespeare Theatre in the evening. Even as I enjoy all this, I am reminded of when Jesus warns his followers to "Enter through the narrow door, because wide is the door and spacious is the road that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter by it." The lust to pursue wealth, power, and significance even now exerts a faint pull, yet only by shunning those false idols can a man truly live. Pray for me, that in all seasons, both of blessing and of trial, that I would hold with an open hand before God the gifts he has given me along with the desires of my spirit.

The beautiful contradiction is that only when we stop clinging to our self-centered quest for personal fulfillment do we become capable of recieving even greater blessing without having it corrupt us. This is where I want the Lord to move my heart.

Two days and counting till I'm in the UK!