original sin

It's past 2am here, and I just finished walking through a field in the snow. I had some things I needed to ask God about, and snow has a way of making calming me.

I've realized something tonight, or perhaps begun to understand something that important but that I can't quite articulate. Something like this has been going through me head:

Before my parents first hurt me,
Before my classmates cut me with their taunts,
Before my teachers yelled at me, killing wonder,
Before I first felt inadequacy over my first crush,
Before I learned what death was,
Before I silenced my dreams,
Before a captain's yell first stunned me,
And a hungry child's eyes first gutted me,

Before all this and more there was a love of self, a craving to be seen, admired, and even worshiped. This has been the source of more pain then any circumstance that has ever given me occasion for self-pity. As far as I can tell, to be born in sin means to be born placing ourselves before all others, elevating our importance and seeking affirmation of our significance. No one taught me to do this, it is simply the original state of my heart. Until I give God the place that I have up till now occupied it will be impossible for His new life to grow.

I think about the many tears that I have caused, and see now more clearly than ever that before all other reasons it is the sickness of my own heart that is to blame. Benjamin, Bethany, Mother, Father, I cannot give you enough. I don't what the way forward it from here, but I believe that it is through Jesus.